The Best of Rush
Illustrating Absurdity Volume I
Only the best nuttiness by envirowackos, the food police and Jean Francois Kerry made the cut for Illustrating Absurdity Volume 1. Feast on 70 minutes of head-scratching tales from the Year in Idiocy. When they're in power, the left is dangerous - but when they're on the outside looking in, they're just funny because they can't implement their freedom-stealing agenda! Enjoy fourteen super tracks of the Maha Rushie's unerring commentary on topics from gas being cheaper than water, to counterfeit Million Dollar Bills and the Orgasmatron - all right here!
Rush's Introduction (2:56)
Enjoy twelve super tracks of the Maha Rushie's unerring commentary on people in politics and in everyday life who share one thing in common: They're all clearly "from Rio Linda" even though they probably can't find California on a map. Are gas prices too high when gasoline is cheaper than water? Who's on the Million Dollar Bill, and where can you spend yours? You'll find the very funny and very engaging answers to these and dozens of other burning questions in the very first volume of "The Best of Rush," our Illustrating Absurdity edition.
Seasoned Citizen Smackdown 3/3/04 (3:18)
Democrats are out of luck if this trend catches on with the Matlock crowd. Yes, we're used to liberals claiming to "fight" for seasoned citizens against Republicans who want to throw them out on the streets, so we perked up at news of antique-Americans throwing down for themselves! The brawl began when one seasoned citizen "foraged" in lettuce at a salad bar, and ended with three of them in the hospital. Will more snowbirds grow tough enough to fight back when conservatives make them choose between dog food and medicine? Perish the thought.
Mud - The Monologue 9/9/04 (11:19)
Rush breaks new ground, teaching you to read -- not just the tealeaves -- but the "mud" slung in the 2004 campaign. Is some mud cleaner than other mud? Is all mud visible or does some mud slip under the radar screen? Does every mudslinger sling the same mud? Is some mud smarter than other mud? How do the recipients of the mudslinging react? Is the reaction to the mudslinging a tip-off as to who is more presidential? We get daily weather reports. Now, Rush delivers history's first Mudslinging Report.
Adult Kids Stay Home 1/14/04 (7:14)
Nothing Democrats or liberals do can stun Rush anymore, but one 2004 story left him absolutely without words: the trend of "kids" living at home with mom and dad well into their thirties, often without paying rent or kicking in for food and board! Of course, this was all blamed on George W. Bush - as if the Republicans invented freeloaders and not that other esteemed party. You would not believe the overwhelming reaction on the phones and in the e-mails this one spawned, including calls from 30-something sponges defending their spongification!
Carl's Jr. Burger 12/16/04 (6:54)
When Rush first moved to Sacramento to meet his broadcast destiny, a lib told him to avoid eating at Carl's Jr. / Hardee's burger joints because "They contribute to right-wing causes." So when the Food Police attacked Hardee's 1,417-calorie, 107-grams-of-fat Monster Thickburger - and the chain refused to bend over and grab the ankles as Burger King had done by serving veggie burgers nobody wanted in their Berkley restaurant - Rush couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the story.
The Orgasmatron 11/16/04 (3:54)
No, this is not a clip about Bill Clinton and the reaction from the Legacy Media. It's the story of a "device" pioneered by a Winston-Salem pain specialist. He hooked some electronic thingamabob up to one of his lady patients, hit the juice and voila! The Orgasmatron was born. Said the happy breathless patient: "You're gonna have to teach my husband how to do that!" The Orgasmatron costs seventeen grand, but if this thing ever gets marketed we'll see that number plummet just like the price tag on VCRs!
Chocolate Donuts Cure Colds 11/23/04 (2:05)
For 16 years of broadcast excellence, Rush has generously shared his personal cure for sore throats and coughs: glazed chocolate donuts. Throughout that time - and don't try to deny it, folks - Rush knows you thought this was an excuse to binge on donuts. Well, from New Scientist magazine came sweet proof that an ingredient in chocolate can indeed treat coughs more effectively and without the nasty side effects of traditional treatments. When you listen to this track, be sure to listen for the sound of Rush's accuracy rating moving up.
Flapjack Phonies 1/13/04 (8:43)
Every four years when the Hawkeye Cauci start, the Great American Phony Flapjack-Flipping Ritual begins - much to the dismay of anyone with half a brain tied behind their back or otherwise. What possible relevance is there to any candidate being able to flip flapjacks at the VFW hall in Iowa? These guys will never do this after they get elected. Heck, they won't even set foot in Iowa until the next presidential primary! What do we ever hear about a candidate's flapjack-flipping policy? Is there a secretary of pancakes? Let's get real.
Gas Costs More Than Water 3/19/04 (3:31)
Does it seem odd to you that a gallon of bottled water is more expensive than a gallon of gasoline, and yet nobody complains? Now, you don't buy water by the tank, but if you had a gasoline pump next in your bathroom counting the drops as you showered, you'd start complaining about the price of water real fast. Can you imagine how Big Oil must hate the Big Water guys? They're making billions, but there's not one maggot-infested protestor screaming "No Blood for Water!" Yes, pity these poor oil executives.
Got Change For A Million? 3/3/04 (2:22)
Folks, you're not going to believe this track. I mean, you just literally are not going to believe that a woman would waltz into an Atlanta Wal-Mart, try to pay for over $1,600 worth of stuff with a piece of paper claiming to be a One Million Dollar Bill – and when the cops collar her, claim she thought it was real! It's one of those "misunderstandings" we keep hearing about across the fruited plain thanks to the dumbing down of America, and Rush had a blast with it.
Kerry the Sperm Cell 7/29/04 (3:31)
In July, Senator Kerry headed to the Space Shuttle Discovery with two astronauts-turned-senators, Nelson and Glenn, for a photo-op. Unfortunately, the images of him in the so-called "bunny suit" brought to mind Woody Allen in the sperm costume from "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex." The humorless Kerry quickly blamed NASA for "leaking" the pics. "Au Contraire, Jean Francois!" said the space agency. It turns out Kerry was not only aware that the cameras he posed for actually had film in them, but had requested early release of the sperm photos themselves!
The Sudden Money Institute 1/14/04 (6:16)
One day, Rush saw someone on TV from a place called "the Sudden Money Institute," and just had to laugh at the creativity of people! Imagine creating an institute dealing with those who come into sudden piles of cash. In American, you can just put up a little logo, get a fax machine, fax out your press release, and, bam! The cable money networks would be on you so fast as an "expert," you'd need the Sudden Money Institute just to deal with all the money you'll be raking in from clients and media appearances!
The Thug Basketball Association 12/8/04 (4:50)
When the Ron Artest brawl broke out, Rush proposed a revolutionary way to solve the National Basketball Association's problems: "Call it the TBA, the Thug Basketball Association -- and stop calling them 'teams.' Call 'em 'gangs.' Let 'em strap up, market their CDs at concession stands, and if a fight breaks out, hey, it's what happens!" Tell fans they're going to get a rumble between the Crips and the Bloods at their neighborhood arena. It's illustrating the absurdity of the NBA's adoption of the very worst aspects of the hip-hop culture.
Votergasm 9/28/04 (4:53)
Of all these kooky, left-wing voter registration drives the Democrats embraced as serious, Votergasm.com won a special place in Rush's large, giving, loving heart. The Boston-based group sought to stimulate voting by encouraging them to have sex with someone who had voted on Election Day but to eschew carnal knowledge of non-voters. The group so seized Rush's imagination that he gave the group a slogan they later used on t-shirts: "I knew I'd get screwed if I voted for Kerry." They also had a Bush version, of course, in an effort to appear nonpartisan.